“Mistakes were made” is an infamous non-apology apology, especially in the world of politics where everyone from Nixon’s Press Secretary, Ron Zeigler, to President Reagan to President Clinton used it to excuse egregious misconduct. Zeigler apologized to Woodward and Bernstein about Watergate when he said, “mistakes were made in terms of my comments to reporters.” Reagan used it twice. Once, after his administration sold arms to Iran and shipped the proceeds to the counter-revolutionary Contras in Nicaragua. And again at his State of the Union address. Clinton said, “Mistakes were made” about the Democratic Party’s fundraising scandal.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” and “I’m sorry you were offended” are classic non-apology apologies. Two of the worst examples are “I’m sorry, but you started it” and “I was only kidding.” We’ve all received these halfway apologies and most likely issued our share.
Recently, at a friend’s birthday lunch, I interrupted one of our group when she was excited to gossip about the British Royals. “Wait,” I said, “E wants to share her weekend story of celebrating her big birthday with her family.” At the moment, I thought that E, whose birthday it was, should have center stage. She was eager to describe the hikes, family meals, and fun times that had filled her weekend. But I was wrong to interrupt. We had time for both conversations at our lunch party. I felt terrible. Later, I apologized to my friend and acknowledged being rude. We’re getting back on track, but I doubt it would have happened without my apology.
Being sincere when admitting fault is very difficult. Typically, we don’t intend to cause harm and struggle to recognize when we hurt someone who matters to us. Apologizing like you mean it can mend hurt feelings and safeguard intimate relationships with family, friends, and even globally, between nations.
What’s so hard about saying you’re sorry? We feel vulnerable when we admit to wrongdoing. Our initial response is to deny or excuse what we said or did, not out of malice but because we safeguard our self-image as a good and wellmeaning person. Causing hurt flies in the face of that self-perception. Letting go of the notion that we’re always thoughtful is humbling. To recognize that we mean to be kind but sometimes fail sets the stage for a solid “I’m sorry.”
Women apologize far more often than men do, not necessarily because women are more humble or quicker to take responsibility. Rather, women issue more apologies because they believe they’ve committed more offenses than men. In other words, men and women have different thresholds for what defines offensive behavior.
Here are some guidelines to say you’re sorry effectively, according to Jancee Dunn, the Well columnist for The New York Times: 1. Express regret. 2. Explain, but keep it brief. 3. Acknowledge any harm you’ve caused.
4. Say you’ll try not to do it again. 5. Ask for forgiveness (but let go of expectations).
Share your experiences with apologies with The Westfield Leader and Union County HAWK by writing “Gratitude” in the subject line and emailing press@goleader.com or pattisteckler@gmail.com.
